We often hear about how self-love is the most important thing when we are single or decide to leave a toxic relationship, but what if self-love is actually detrimental to finding someone new? Along with powerful affirmations that every woman should utilize daily, intuitive coach and healer Eleanor Healy shares her insights on how you can overcome self-sabotaging obstacles when attracting the perfect person in your life. Not single? This inspiring piece will also remind you of the perils of being stuck in “self-love” mode when you’re in a relationship—and how to delicately approach emotional chaos to ensure you maintain a heart-centred partnership.
“Are You Stuck in ‘Self-Love’ Mode?”
As an intuitive love coach, I work with women who have spent a significant amount of time healing emotional wounds from the past and becoming acquainted with who they really are (their true self). Despite the healing they’ve done, these beautiful souls seem to keep attracting dysfunctional relationships into their life—even though they long to experience a loving, healthy relationship.
When sensitive women have repeated interactions with unavailable men, or men who don’t treat them in the manner they deserve, their experiences affect their self-esteem. They may even feel unloveable.
Which is why in my experience working with female clients, it’s no surprise that women amp up their self-love practices to try to break this painful pattern.
What I’m here to tell you is that focusing on self-love can actually work against you. In other words, focusing primarily on self-love can become a trap that keeps love at bay.
Perhaps this is a good time to tell you why I feel so strongly about this topic.
My own story reads like a season of Jane the Virgin without the baby. I had a penchant for romance and yet I also had a knack for picking the most unstable man in the crowd. I spent years looking for love and finding only emotional chaos, instability, and a longing for a heart-centred connection.
My pattern was to fall in love with men who had addictions and emotional issues that I would try to fix or solve. You can probably imagine how the rest of the story goes… Something like this:
Girl meets addict. Girl and addict fall madly and passionately in love. Girl is over the moon happy. Addict self destructs. Girl throws herself into trying to save addict. Addict gets worse. Girl spirals down with the addict. Girl breaks away with a determination to never be with another addict again. Until she meets another addict. Repeat.
When I finally made the decision that my life would not be like this anymore, I then embarked on a decade-long quest to find myself and to love myself until I was darn well good enough for a “normal” relationship. Looking back I see that my quest was part improvement and part avoidance, part hope and part head in the sand.
Ten years as a single person certainly did not make me love myself more. As the years went by and I “worked” on myself more, the self-love started to turn into self-disgust.
I thought to myself, why can’t I figure this love thing out? Why am I still single?
Do you see that the longer you focus only on loving yourself, the further you can drift away from experiencing love?
Don’t get me wrong, of course you need to love and heal yourself enough to be able to experience love with your True Mate.
However, if you’re convinced that you haven’t reached a deep enough level of self-love to be ready for a relationship, you’ve set yourself up for failure. It is my belief that self-love is a neutral concept that we can project all kinds of insecurities onto.
Here are some typical beliefs to illustrate what I am talking about:
- Love myself fully, I won’t be able to love someone else (incapable).
- Love myself more, I have to stay single (never good enough).
- Really feel like I love myself enough, I can’t have a loving relationship (undeserving).
If you’re having some realizations that you’ve been doing this to yourself, don’t beat yourself up. Awareness is always the most profound step in changing your patterns. Let’s look at ways you can start to change this experience.
Here are some new concepts and questions you can ask yourself to shift your perspective:
- In order to love myself fully, I need to allow the relationship of my dreams to find me?
- Loving myself fully means finally having a supportive, committed partner in my life?
- The ultimate act of self-love is to stop finding things I have to overcome, heal and clear?
- I can focus my energy on attracting my True Mate now?
Here are some steps you can take to start changing your focus and perspective to having love and feeling loved:
- Become aware of what you are doing. Write down your thoughts and see the pattern for what it is (deprivation).
- Forgive yourself and decide that you no longer want to push the relationship you truly desire, away.
- Tune in and find some actions you can take today to bring your loving partnership into your life.
- Next, journal for 15-20 minutes about what came up from these questions and prompts.
- Spend time looking at how your previous beliefs have kept you stuck. Make a decision to shift your beliefs.
- Write out new intentions for love that include having someone in your life. For example, “I intend to love myself fully and welcome in a loving and healthy relationship at the same time.”
With this all being said, I am excited to hear how these simple and profound shifts in your consciousness change not only the way you feel about yourself, but how they may also open you up to having a loving, committed relationship in the future. Because the truth of the matter is…
The journey of self-love is a process of revealing your blind spots, self-destructive behaviours, and your personal beliefs that block love.
My intention is that this article opens up your awareness so that you can allow love from every source (within yourself and from someone else) to flow into your being.
I leave you with these powerful affirmations that serve as truths and reminders of who you already are:
You are enough.
You are loved, loving, and loveable.
You are ready for love right now (despite what your mind tells you).
YOU’VE FOUND YOURSELF, NOW IT’S TIME TO FIND YOUR MATE!
About the Author: Eleanor Healy, internationally known INTUITIVE LOVE COACH, helps you finally have a loving relationship even if you’ve struggled with relationships in the past, or you feel like it’s too late. For valuable resources and non-judgemental support, join her community at Manifest Your True Mate.
Editors’ note: Are you an intuitive or health and wellness expert with a heartfelt message? Email us at [email protected] to tell us how you might be able to help our readers.
A beautifully written article, so true and very much on point. Thank you for the shift in awareness and for your work.
Thank you, Christina. We appreciate your comments and we agree! Awareness is everything – especially of Self! xo
Thank you for this insightful article.
No problem. Thanks for taking the time to comment. XO
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